STEP 1 – YOUR TRANS-SELF
Exercise #1: Who am I? An Exercise in Self-Acceptance
It is important to have your own ideas of self well-established, as well as be aware of the many things impacting your life overall, before opening yourself up to what may be a difficult conversation with someone you love deeply. Coming Out is a part of transitioning. When the knowledge of who you truly are is held by others, a transition will begin in your life, as well as the lives of the people you tell. Keeping a close eye on the myriad of events, attitudes, and feelings in play in this coming out moment will provide some safety from surprises in the midst of your next big step. Self-acceptance and coming to terms with your feelings are the first order of business in transition. If you are not emotionally grounded from the onset, you [could set yourself up for] a difficult transition….There are wondrous moments of joy and relief, but these [can] come at a high cost and can be accompanied by feelings of inadequacy and longing to be a [non-transgender person] instead of a [transgender person]. But in the end, you need to come to terms with both. You are a [person, worthy of respect and love], and you are [transgender]. Both are things you can be proud of, no matter what anyone else tries to tell you.
Take a few moments to consider the questions below. Write down, as clearly as possible (you may want to refer to this later), your thoughts as they come to you. Focus more on what comes to you and less on a cohesive picture.
1) Me, Myself & I:
What is my name?
Does my name have a story? Who gave my name to me? Does my name fit my picture of myself?
What do I want my name to be? (This CAN be the same as above!)
2) Work:
What is my job?
Is my job something I enjoy doing?
Am I fulfilled in my job as the whole person I know myself to be?
What are the specific things within my job that I love?
What are the specific things within my job that I struggle with?
What about my job do I have the power to change or solidify?
3) Faith:
What is my faith, or my belief system regarding God?
Does that faith fulfill me; if so, how?
How does my faith leave me wanting?
What is my religion?
Is religion an important part of my life?
Does my religion directly relate to my faith?
Am I fulfilled by the practice of my religion?
4) Word Exercises:
What are fifteen words (adjectives and nouns!) that best describe me today?
What are sixteen words (adjectives and nouns!) that best describe who I hope to be in one year? (Try to use different words than those above.)
What are seventeen words (adjectives and nouns!) that best describe who I hope to be in three years? (Try to use different words than those above.)
What are eighteen words (adjectives and nouns!) that best describe who I hope to be in five years? (Try to use different words than those above.)
5) Who, What, and Why:
To whom am I coming out?
What will I come out “as” to this person/these people?
What terms am I most comfortable with?
Do I understand these terms and can I define them?
(If so, write out the definition. If not, see the terminology above and do some research to develop your own definition.)
WHY am I coming out to this person/these people?
What do I need from them, or need them to do/be?
Exercise #2: Addressing FEAR
Fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger.
2 Fear can block your action due to real and/or perceived expectations of a situation. In some recovery programs, fear is given an acronym FEAR for False Expectations Appearing Real. As you prepare for a coming out experience, take a few moments to check your fear.
The following questions and chart are intended to help you clarify your fear.
1) What are the top five things I am most fearful about as I contemplate coming out as a transgender person?
A real possibility? Why or Why not?
1. _______________________________ ____________ _____________
2. _______________________________ ____________ _____________
3. _______________________________ ____________ _____________
4. _______________________________ ____________ _____________
5. _______________________________ ____________ _____________
2) What are the consequences if each of the five top things I fear come true?
A real consequence? Why or Why not?
1. _______________________________ ____________ _____________
2. _______________________________ ____________ _____________
3. _______________________________ ____________ _____________
4. _______________________________ ____________ _____________
5. _______________________________ ____________ _____________
3) Who can I rely on if any or all of the consequences above become a reality?
List each person’s name and contact information…and consider having a conversation with them BEFORE your coming out experience.
Name Phone Number Prepped? (Yes/No)
1. ________________________ _______________ _____________
2. ________________________ _______________ _____________
3. ________________________ _______________ _____________
4. ________________________ _______________ _____________
5. ________________________ _______________ _____________
STEP 2 – A WHOLE NEW WORLD
Introduction Now that you have a pretty firm grip on where you are, what you expect, and what fears are impacting you, this section is designed to take you through a summary of what is going to be happening for your family. Though the coming out conversation is certainly about your identity, your experience, and your needs/wants, the dialogue will inevitably fall to your family’s identity, experience and needs/wants. After all, their entire experience of you and your place in their lives, though perhaps unchanging in your mind, will create a whole new world for them.
Exercise #1 – Considering Your Past
Answer the questions below from YOUR experience of those you plan to come out to.
The process of coming out can be filled with uncertainty and fear, but your trust of those you intend to welcome into this journey stems from your knowledge of their love for you and the ways in which you can anticipate their reactions.
Keep in mind, this is just to give you time to gain perspective on what could be…often, the worst you expect is much worse than the actual response.
Prepare for the worst, Pray for the best, Breathe through reality.
How have they responded to other highly emotional events in their life? (e.g. a severe injury to child or sibling, loss and grief in the family, etc.)
Have they ever had trouble listening to you or taking you seriously?
How have they responded during past revelations of important changes in your life or person? (e.g. have your truths been considered a “phase” or “rebellion”, suggesting that they believe you will not follow- through?)
Exercise #2 – Your Expectations
You know very well that this journey is about you. However, for those who love you and believe they know you, the revelation of your transgender journey will very likely challenge some of their foundational perspectives of you. Such challenges can shake someone to the core of their own sense of self.
It’s important to be clear about your expectations of them during and following your coming out experience. Understand that these expectations are yours alone and do not dictate how your family or friends SHOULD respond, but how you expect them to respond. Being clear about your expectations allows you to view them, weigh them, and even communicate them to those you love while also clearly recognizing that the expectations are yours, not theirs. Your family/ friend will have a set of expectations of their own which you may or may not be aware of.
1. I expect _______ to respond in the following ways and for the following reasons.
Response Reason
__________________________ _____________________________________ __________________________ _____________________________________ __________________________ _____________________________________ __________________________ _____________________________________ __________________________ _____________________________________
2. I expect _______ to respond in the following ways and for the following reasons.
Response Reason
__________________________ _____________________________________ __________________________ _____________________________________ __________________________ _____________________________________ __________________________ _____________________________________ __________________________ _____________________________________
3. I expect _______ to respond in the following ways and for the following reasons.
Response Reason
__________________________ _____________________________________ __________________________ _____________________________________ __________________________ _____________________________________ __________________________ _____________________________________ __________________________ _____________________________________
By now you should have addressed the following:
1) You know who you are and why you are coming out.
2) You know who you are coming out to and why you have chosen them as part of your safe community.
3) You have spent some time resting in the shoes of those you will soon come out to and gaining some compassion for their upcoming experience of/with you.
Exercise #1 – Exploring How
Coming Out Via Letter:
Some find that a letter to family/friends works best. The letter has several advantages over face to face communications.
a) You get to take your time and think about what to say and word it perfectly.
b) You can have a friend, therapist or supportive person read it over first and give you feedback.
c) You can’t be interrupted.
d) The recipient can go back and read it again and take time to absorb the content. NOTE: a letter is NOT the same as an email. Because email can be seen as impersonal, steer clear from this as your primary communication.
Coming Out in Person:
Coming out in person can be an overwhelming task. However, if you are concerned about a letter seeming too impersonal, take some time to organize your thoughts before you come out in person. You may even choose to write the letter above and take it with you to read in person.
What to say:
Speak to those you are coming out to as clearly as possible. You may want to include the following:
a) Reassurance that you love them, want to remain connected and hope that they will be supportive
b) Reassurance that this is not their “fault”
c) A little bit about your struggle with gender over the years, your experience, coping, isolation, etc… (Be specific! It will help them empathize with you)
d) A few recommendations of books, articles or support groups in their area (Awareness of these may also help you in your journey.)
e) A specific request that they not respond right away, but to take some time (perhaps a week) before they respond.
Encourage them to sit with it. This will weed out any immediate bad response and let them cool down.
Final Considerations
Some final thoughts for preparing yourself are listed below. These are suggestions, taken from a variety of sources, to help you build up the system of support you will need through this part of your journey. You do not have to do any item on this list, but do consider them, for they come from others’ coming out experiences.
Consider having a therapist available to you for this coming out experience.-
Though you may feel urgency at the thought of coming out, taking the time to have an impartial, but caring voice working with you can be a great relief. Many therapists are available to listen and journey with you and may be able to offer welcome respite. Developing a relationship with a therapist can require multiple visits, so consider taking the time to build up that relationship before your scheduled coming out date.
Practice, Practice, Practice! – If you have chosen to come out in person, practice what you hope to say. Utilize some of the tools of public speaking. Write notecards to guide your conversation. Write an outline of what you want to cover. Practice with someone who is safe so you can hear yourself say the words out loud. Even ask a trusted friend to challenge you in the ways you most fear and practice not engaging in arguments.
Be Aware of your Body Language.
Pay attention not to send out conflicting messages (e.g having an insecure pose while you say you feel confident or vice versa). Say what you feel and feel what you say.
Stress the pain you feel from your current condition and the problems you have in functioning like this.
Doing nothing will not improve your quality of life, quite likely things would get worse. Most people will be more open to this (who would want to see someone they love suffer) than the desire you feel to complete the transition and live in a different role. People who cannot relate to or understand your desire for change can appreciate your discomfort in the status quo.
Coming Out in Phases.
You may not want to stress your all of the aspects of your experience as transgender immediately. You can decide to tell things gradually during multiple conversations. You might have the feeling that you are holding back, but you are not. Instead, you are being sensitive to those you love.
Timing.
Consider your timing carefully. You might be almost bursting to tell your story, but external circumstances are making the atmosphere totally unsuitable for your message. In that case, breathe through your urgency, however difficult, in order to lovingly tell your family/friend at a time that’s best for them.
Emotions : Be Prepared for their Emotional Shockwaves.
You already expect waves of emotion from those you are coming out to. However, emotions are inherently unpredictable. Make room in your mind and heart for their emotional roller coaster, knowing that their emotions may have little to do with who you are. Negative emotional responses may mean that they are concerned with what will happen to you. This is a sign of love, though the response itself may be uncomfortable for you.
Not all emotions are what they look like.
Anger and aggression can sometimes be another face of fear. This can be fear for what the future will bring for you, but most surely fear for what the future will bring for them. How will they tell this to other people ?
How will people react to this situation ?
How will this affect their lives?
Preparing some comments for them on questions like these can help you navigate your family member or friend’s emotional response. Practice these answers with someone safe.
Be Prepared for Your Emotional Shockwaves.
This is an emotional time for you, too. You may find that your emotional state changes with each response you anticipate, or each consequence of coming out you can imagine.
Be willing to walk into your coming out experience with the self-permission to FEEL. Feel anything, feel everything, and have someone available to receive you within those emotions.
Coming Out to Children.
If you are coming out to your children, you have additional concerns to keep in mind.
No Need for Too Much Specificity.
No need to talk about specific long term plans/ timetables or surgeries in your coming-out experience. Remember, the purpose of your coming out is to let your family know that you are a transgender person. Period. Future plans are better left for future communications. Why? Because just digesting the fact that one has a transgender child/sibling/friend is enough to begin with. Remember, you’ve had a lot of time to think about this and are ready to move ahead. They are just learning of this for the first time and need to absorb it. It is ok to gently allude to the fact that changes might be coming in the future, but try not to go father than that in your first communication on this topic.
What if the Response is Negative?
Several approaches you might consider if you encounter a negative response are below.
Remember, emotions may run high and a reaction is not necessarily a final response.
a) Communicate that you are open and ready to talk when they are.
b) Be empathic with their difficulty in accepting/understanding/assimilating this information. Understand that they need time and may have a religious/cultural basis of understanding that can’t be overcome quickly.
c) Express your wish and hope that it will change over time. d) Ask what you can do to help them accept this.